A soul in tension, that's learning to fly…

Category: faith

  • Dreams vs. Reality, and what we make of it.

    Good Morning Amman

    Six months ago, I expected to be seeing this right about now. It’s morning in the Al Rabieh section of Amman, north of Fifth Circle.  I was going to spend a couple days in the city, connecting with new and old friends, then take a ride up to Ajlun to meet up with some good friends.  I was really looking forward to it, and some of those friends were counting on it.

    But life throws us curves. The unexpected happens- sometimes “good unexpected” and sometimes disappointing. Instead of waking up in Amman right now, I’m preparing to go bed in Pennsylvania. Instead of arid air, city sounds, and clear blue skies, I get humidity, the smells of farm country, and rumbles of thunder. Disappointing unexpected.

    But instead of time with good friends in a faraway land, I got a long weekend with my family. Instead of exotic shopping, struggling to find the right words in another language, and white knuckles from adventurous taxi rides; I got multiple get-togethers with friends all around the area, fantastic conversations with many of them, and relatively calm drives on mostly empty roads. “Good unexpected.”

    We go through life and we make plans. We pray for God’s blessing on our plans and somehow expect that because WE prayed for it to happen, that it must be Divinely ordained. It’s a silly sort of arrogance in the best light. Something far worse in any other.  Reality crashes in on even the most seemingly “good” plans and dreams and presents us with a picture far different than the one in our minds.

    In the words of John Lennon, “Life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans.”  The question for use, for me specifically, is what do we do with reality? Do we curse it and rage against it for not conforming to our “better” plans? Do we begrudgingly accept it, silently pouting about “what might have been”? Or do we recognize that the Divine Mind might actually have knowledge and perspective that is beyond our own, and that this disappointing reality might really be the opening to something far greater?  In other words, will we not just ACCEPT our reality, but relish in it?

    I’m going to miss seeing my friends in Jordan this week. I’m going to miss serving them, sharing meals and tea with them, spending long evenings talking with them. I’m going to miss their kids, who have been a real delight in my life the last couple years of visiting them.

    But I won’t waste the reality I have here. I’m going to enjoy my kids. I’m going to share meals with my family, and hopefully coffee with some of my friends here. I’m going to talk long into the evening with my wife and others about the dreams in our heads, and how this reality might be taking us there.

    We’ve already started, sharing some of our thoughts and dreams with friends at one of our several get-togethers this weekend. As it turns out, they have similar dreams of their own, and might be able to help make our dreams a reality. Now isn’t that funny?  At that moment, I could have been sleeping in Amman. Instead, we were very awake, eagerly discussing “what might be” instead of “what might have been.”

    How about you? What reality is crashing in on your dream?  What are you making of it? I’d love to hear about it.

  • Get ready…

    For some months- okay, probably much longer than that, I have had a sense of… something.  I’ve had a feeling of restlessness, and it’s one I haven’t had for a long time.  The last time, I started a business.  Before that, I moved to a state I had only visited once.  Both have been profoundly transformative events, and I wouldn’t trade them.

    It’s tingling again.  Life is much more complicated now, of course.  There is family.  There is a business. There are some deep community roots- I have lived longer here than anywhere else in my life. There is a mortgage, bills to pay, a path to a good and satisfying future on this present course.  There is nothing wrong with the life I have right now. Any changes I would make are fairly mundane.

    But there is this sense.  Up until a couple days ago, I couldn’t quite put it to words- something very frustrating for someone who loves language and usually struggles more to stop the words rather than start them.  Then it hit me yesterday.  “Get ready.”  Ready for what?  When?  How? No answers there, just “Get ready.”

    What does that mean?  Inquiring minds want to know, and the answers are pretty thin right now.

    But here’s what we’re doing:

    • Reduce.  We’ve acquired a lot of stuff. We need a lot less stuff.  You want any of our stuff? Turns out several local thrift shops and consignment stores do. You better hurry.
    • Review. What do we hold dear? What’s really important to us? How do we demonstrate that?
    • Reconnect. Over the years, we have formed some great friendships that we’ve let go by the wayside.  Over the past few months, we’ve been reconnecting to some of them. What fun!
    • Relax. Seriously. It’s the toughest thing, especially when feeling restless. But if the next few months or years look like that last couple times I got restless, there will be plenty enough stress and change to come.

    So for now, we get ready.  Tune in for more.

  • Disappointment

    It’s a bit of a disappointing start to the week.  There’s little point in going into all the details, but the experience brings up a lot of questions and thoughts.  Disappointment happens.  It is a part of life- we disappoint others when we make promises we cannot keep.  Others do the same to us.  Sometimes, circumstances bring on the disappointment.  It is never enjoyable.

    As a person of faith- specifically Christian faith, I am taught to believe certain things about disappointment:

    1. It is inevitable. People are flawed, as is the world we live it. Thus we will all be disappointed.
    2. Neither disappointment, nor specific disappointments come as a surprise to God.  In fact, nothing does.  One of the pastors at my church often reminds us that nothing happens but by the expressed or permissive Will of the Almighty.
    3. All things happen for a purpose, and the closing of a door should only direct us to a different one- or to a time when we will be ready to step through the one that is currently closed.
    4. Our Redeemer has experienced real and personal disappointment. Thus we have a very empathetic ally with whom to share the feelings we experience when life does not go exactly as we think it should.

    But it’s still no fun.  It is especially not fun when we have to share disappointing news with others- which is where I find myself this week.  I hate disappointing people.  I suppose a psychotherapist could have a great several sessions with me on this.  But it is an ingrained part of my emotional DNA.  I would rather suffer silently.  I would prefer to muscle through and MAKE the impossible happen.  There are times I would rather fail miserably rather than deliver disappointing news.  But before I wrote this, I already owned up to it.  I delivered the tough news.  Guess what- it doesn’t feel any better.

    Ah, but back to my four part list above.  It may not feel better, but it is better.  It has to be.  A friend of mine wrote yesterday that “How you feel about God during the suffering times is how you really feel about God.”  It’s an easy statement when the doors are swinging wide for me and mine, but a bit tougher to swallow when they are not.  But truth works that way- it is true regardless of feelings, circumstances, or the opinions of me or others.  Nevertheless, I will trust and accept as truth that my disappointing week is just that- MY disappointing WEEK.  And something else awaits.  I wonder what…